Tuesday, June 10, 2008


I've got a new entrepreneurial venture brewing in my mind, so if you'd like to get in on the ground level and make some big money, you'd best get ahold of me soon. As we all know, because our parents, Fox News and the D.A.R.E. program drilled it into our brains at a young and impressionable age, the only thing the internet is good for is porn. The internet is not a big truck, after all; it's a series of tubes, and the only thing tubes are good at transporting (other than your banking, if you go to the drive-thru) is smut--and lots of it. But the smut is spread all over the internet, making it hard to find exactly what you're looking for (big-breasted transvestites who dress up as aliens and pour ranch dressing on their toes). The tubes spew the smut everywhere, not unlike cum from a big, fat, punishing cock.

It gets especially difficult to navigate when you delve into the fetish websites. As much as the producers of these websites might have their hearts in the right place, they often mis-sort their models, leaving the fetishist sadly underwhelmed in both quantity and quality. One of the worst mis-sorts has to be the Goth/Punk/Emo/Nerd divide. To pornographers, these four types of girls are interchangable: dye their hair black, give them glasses and a Hello Kitty t-shirt and put 'em on whichever site needs some fresh pussy. But to true connoisseurs of the art, while the differences may be subtle, they are essential.

So where does my brilliantly flawless plan come into play? I intend to remedy this sad situation and start my own line of fetish sites that actually tap into the needs of the thousands of sad, strong-handed men the world over, the first of which being www.EroticN00bz.com, a site catering toward your typical "internet nerds" who enjoy World of Warcraft and 4chan. The models on my site will be actual internet nerd girls who you can actually play World of Warcraft with as they put a variety of common household items into their vaginas. Like these live camshows, the still galleries and videos on the site will also feature the models partaking in internet fun, from surfing YTMND to playing Halo 3 on XBox Live with their online friends (you with your $24.99/month subscription fee!). With EroticN00bz, for the first time in history there will be a porno site that truly understands what fetishists need because everyone involved in producing it will be fellow fetishists as well. Finally, Porn For Gamers By Gamers Who Also Like Porn. It's not quite as catchy as FuBu, but it will have to do.

Interested models, photographers, webmasters and anybody else who would like to do this while I go figure out other clever and cunning schemes to make money off of underage girls and lonely, pasty white guys with ponytails who live in their parents basements--please contact me. We can all become thousandaires on an idea this good.

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