HEADPHASES | REVIEWS | PHOTOGRAPHY | HYPERMAGICISM INTERNATIONAL | ABOUT | TWITTER | RSS

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Getting personal with your personal computer

I've never much considered myself a computer nerd. In fact, I'm probably far more likely to crash my entire system by attempting to open a pop-up for a celebrity sex tape than I am to go hacking into the United States Department of the Treasury. The very first computer I ever had was a hand-me-down from my parents: an Acer Aspire running Windows 95 that was so gunked up by my mom's photos and hilarious chain-email attachments by the time I got it that I barely had room for porn. So I took it upon myself to purge the system of all the extraneous data that was clogging my hard drive like one of Rosanne Barr's arteries.

Clicking through folder after folder, I deleted any and every file that Windows allowed me to--until finally, in a grand flourish, I managed to delete all of the computer's boot-up files. Of course, I didn't know that at the time, and I went on my merry way, continuing to delete files that were in fact not at all extraneous, but which were involved in such essential computer-related funtions as "Making Things Go." By the time I finally ended my campaign of unwitting destruction, it was quite late, so I shut down my computer and went to bed, to dream of all the wonderful and disturbing pornography I would surf for at the dawn of the new day. But when I turned on my computer the next morning, I was greeted with a black screen, a shrill, angry beep, and a message something like:


WINDOWS SYSTEM ERROR 32DEX/BLU42/HUT.hike

BOOT-UP FILES FROM SECTORS 001-899Q NO LONGER FUNCTIONAL. REFER TO PAGE 738 OF WINDOWS 95 REFERENCE MANUAL. OH, YOU THREW THAT OUT? THEN YOU DESERVE THIS, PERVERT. I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO MAKE ROOM FOR. WHAT WOULD YOUR MOTHER THINK?

ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?


All of the files I'd left on the computer were still perfectly fine, but now trapped inside with no way to access them, like a house with no doors. Or windows. Or even a chimney to wiggle myself down. Thankfully, one of my mom's friends' husbands was a computer tech and could fix it. Even more thankfully, my computer was still just a house with no doors and not yet a brothel, or I'm sure I would have had some pretty interesting questions to field as he worked on getting everything back in order. Since then, I've managed to twice crash another desktop, losing all of the pictures I'd taken throughout high school and my first year of college. That spectacular display of burning wreckage however, was not due to porn but to--I believe--my attempt to illegally pirate Jurassic Park Tycoon. Don't ask. Freshman year was a tough one. Soon after that, though, I got my first laptop which served me well until this past Christmas when I finally purchased the computer I'm typing on now: my Apple MacBook.

It is the use of this computer that has come to make me such a nerd of late. It's not that I know anything more about it than I did my Windows computers--in fact, I probably know less because I have never had to get all touchy-feely with its intimate parts in MS-DOS when it suddenly and inexplicably has the computer equivalent of a mid-life crisis and decides that it would rather be something like, say, a toaster, than a computer. But that's fine with me--the less I know about this thing, the better. I hated having to stay in on Friday nights and console my old laptop through its teary-eyed wine bingeing anyway. Yet, even in my blissful ignorance of how the simplest of tasks is done on this machine, Apple has managed to arouse in me a nerdiness I never imagined myself capable of. And I'm not one to shy away from my inner nerd: I love video games, science fiction and will probably play Magic: The Gathering with you if you have enough cards to split them into two decks and at least a modest degree of respect for your own personal hygiene. But when I watched the video that was released this week as an introduction to the brand new MacBook for 2009, I think I may have actually become sexually aroused.

Every time Apple has a major new product to release, they precede it with one of these videos, to which, every time, I find myself salivating and my right eyelid twitching uncontrollably. When I watched the video for the Leopard update of the Mac operating system last year, I blacked out, and when I came to, my pants were off and my nipples, hard as diamonds, were pressed against the screen. And that was at the radio station where I worked. This problem has been getting increasingly out of hand. They're just computers, after all. Beautiful, sleek, unbelievably sexy computers, but computers all the same. Half the time I don't even know why what they're talking about in the videos is so important, but I still find myself short of breath, with sweat hanging on my brow. A single piece of aluminum as the base? Yes, please. Upgraded video capability on a flush-edged, all-glass screen? Mmm, baby. Illuminated keyboard and no-button trackpad? You dirty girl. Just looking at this new model on Apple's website makes me hurt--in my heart and in my pants. I never understood the kinds of people who went crazy over new cell phones and Star Wars Redux Gold-Box Director's Cuts. Now, I still don't understand them, but I find myself standing beside them in lines at midnight and sharing stories in online messageboards that are so lame they should give me polio.

If only I had been able to wait another year to buy. Not that I don't love the computer I have, but I lived my whole life without a Mac until last Christmas, and if only I'd have known what was in store this year, I might have tried to hold out a little bit longer. Sure, I'd have had to sell one or both of my kidneys to afford one, but I think it would have been worth the investment. Forget about wasting time, money, and hard drive space on porn--just cracking one of these babies open would be all I'd ever need again.

No comments:

Post a Comment