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Thursday, February 12, 2009

My brilliant ideas

To be completely frank with you here for a moment, I must admit that I have some pretty kick-ass ideas. If that's tooting my own horn, then allow me to let out a long and resounding blast of awesomeness, because I'll be damned if it isn't true. Looking back on my blog thus far, I might as well have called it The Hypermagic Awesome-Shit-That-I-Came-Up-With-Phase, because that's basically what the whole thing (between reviewing books and bitching about people I barely know) has been about. My most recent entry, for City Jogger 2009! is what most recently brought to mind this this fantastic skill of mine, and it reminded me of a whole laundry list of other totally sweet ideas I have had.

In fact, it made me realize that my dream job would be just that: Guy Who Comes Up With Totally Sweet Ideas. I've actually applied for one such job, for the Disney Company, doing marketing work in some kind of top-secret think tank-type organization inside Walt Disney World itself. Obviously I did not even have close to the qualifications required (I wasn't a Mason), but at least the dear people at Disney had the good manners to send me back an email telling me how worthless I am. That's more than I can say about the thirty-odd other jobs I've applied for in the past few months.

But seriously, I would love to be a "Creative Consultant," as Disney called it, for some major company. It's ridiculous that someone of my IQ and creativity, with a degree from a well-respected public university, is sitting on his ass at his parents' house in Lancaster, Pennsylvania with enough time to write a blog about how totally awesome he is. I wouldn't even need to work for a major company--in fact, I'd much rather be a freelancer, because my ideas are way too big for just Disney to handle. I mean, if they full control of me, how would the "Worlds of Nintendo" theme park ever come to fruition? Probably a major conflict of interests.

That's what got me on this kick in the first place. Writing about the Wii a few days ago got me thinking back to when I was a freshman in college and mapped out an entire theme park revolving around the games and characters popularized by Nintendo over the years. I even painstakingly drew the whole thing in Microsoft Paint. Of course, that picture disappeared when I deleted my Xanga account (boy, have I come a long way), but imagine it now with me...

A huge, wheel-shaped property, dominated at the center by the Mushroom Castle, spoking out from its Blooper infested moat, a menagerie of colorful lands you've only ever been able to visit through your television before this moment: Donkey Kong Country, Hyrule (The Legend of Zelda), Kanto (the Pokemon series), The Vast Cosmos (Metroid, Starfox, and any other space-themed games you can think of), and of course, the Mushroom Kingdom itself. Of course, any of these "worlds" can be pared down further--the Mushroom Kingdom wouldn't be complete without a little Dinosaur Island or Isle Delfino. But you didn't think I'd just leave it at that, did you? Someone so dedicated to quality, with so much free time to just let his mind wander? You're damn right I came up with rides and entertainment for every single world, like the madcap dark-ride (à la the now sadly defunct Mr. Toad's Wild Ride at Disney World) through Hyrule Castle as it transforms into Ganondorf's twisted palace, an animatronic Link valiantly battling the evil overlord to bring peace back to the land. Of course there has to be either a Mario Kart Raceway or a Diddy Kong Raceway, if they want to go all old-school on our asses. But I think my absolute favorite ideas are for Kanto: first, an amazing special-effects spectacular in a giant Pokemon Colosseum, holographic and 3-D, with mind-melting, teeth-chattering explosions as Pikachu sends shockwaves though a five-story tall Onyx; and second, though far quieter and simpler than the raging battle to be barely contained inside that enormous stadium, a Pokemon petting zoo where you can go and meet and feed all of your favorite (animatronic) Pokemon. Holy shit, I'm getting a boner just thinking about it. And I haven't even started in on my After Hours Samus Aran Strip Club ("The Chozo Nest") idea yet.

And that's just one idea I've got cookin' away in my brain! Ask me about my business proposals to take Isaac's to Pittsburgh (and, alternately, Mad Mex to Lancaster), my idea for buying short stories through iTunes, or one of the dozen scripts I have not the time nor talent to write (including adaptations of Charles Bukowski's Pulp and Mark Z. Danielewski's House of Leaves). I'll tell you all about them--for a price. I've got to start this freelancing gig soon or I won't get anywhere.

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