What the hell is Twitter? I mean, I get it. I think. It's just the Facebook "What Are You Doing Now?" thing blown completely out of proportion, right? I mean, that's arguable I suppose, but the fact that an afterthought application that Facebook developed five years ago now has a website of its own and a billion different celebrity subscribers pretty much defines "blown completely out of proportion" to me.
It's the whole celebrity thing that really has me confused about it. I guess it is pretty cool that They Do Stuff Just Like Us and all that crap. My friends have seen Julianne Moore grocery shopping at Target on the Waterfront and Viggo Mortensen knockin' back drinks at a hipster bar--and in Pittsburgh no less, not Manhattan or L.A.--and I'll admit it is kind of neat to run into people who you've loved in movies in the bread aisle. But everyone has to shop. There's just something weird to me that thousands of celebrities have nothing better to do than text random bullshit about what they're doing at any given point in time. I didn't even think celebrities thought like that. They're always railing about the paparazzi publishing every little thing about their personal lives, and now here they are, on the internet, publishing every little thing about their personal lives.
And yet, I feel the need to get one. Of course, I'm not going to even bother because I don't have texting on my cell phone and can't update unless I'm at my computer, which will just mean all of my "Tweets" will be variations on "My house is so fucking cold" and "How did Freaks & Geeks not last more than one season?" because those are basically the only two thoughts humming through my mind from 1-4am when I'm typically online. But maybe once I get an iPhone (read: when I get a job that pays more than $8 an hour at 25 hours a week), I'll start me up a Twitter account just like Tom Waits, so we can totally check out what each other is doing all day long.
Yes, that Tom Waits. Consider my mind blown. I can see Britney Spears and Ashton Kutcher and Elijah Wood having Twitter accounts (actually, Elijah's depressed me quite a bit when I noticed his prevalent use of "LOL"), but Tom Waits? Mr. Swordfishtrombone Man? I just can't imagine him grabbing his cell phone to text about his daily routine. Hell, I can't even imagine him owning a cell phone. Unless it had a rotary dial on it, somehow. Tom Waits totally has a steampunk cell phone.
But the most shocking example of Tweeting I've seen recently has got to be that of everyone in fucking Congress as President Obama (ahh, that still sounds so nice) was delivering his speech last week. I know I'm behind on this, but at the time it didn't strike me as that strange. I'm sure that since the dawn of text messaging, our senators and representatives and political leaders the world over have been hiding their Blackberries under their desks like sorority girls in Intro to Psych, texting away as extremely important things are being discussed by the most powerful men and women on the globe. It was just that news, compounded with all of Everyone Fucking Else on the Planet suddenly doing it that has me so confused as to when the boat left, and where the hell I was when it set sail. I mean, honestly, even David Lynch has a Twitter account and he lives in a different galaxy than the rest of humanity. Of course, his posts make no sense whatsoever, but what did you really expect?
You see, I consider myself pretty up with the times when it comes to the internet. I'm generally "hip to the jive," as they say. I'm hours ahead of internet fads because of the truly disgusting amount of time I spend in front of my computer on the web. I was done with YTMND before you even knew what it stood for. I've seen enough LOL Catz to write my doctoral thesis on them. My brother is always sending me hilarious links and I'm always like, "Whateva, I seen that shit three weeks ago, biatch." Of course, he depends on Fail Blog to keep him abreast of internet faddery, which, in the interest of full disclosure, should be legally required to provide a link to their own fucking horrible blog at the top of every page as an example of just how epic fails can be. Seriously, months late. Actually, make that years. My brother just found out about Engrish last week.
But really, this time it's me that they should be linking to, and it kills me to admit it. I've got nothing to Tweet about and no way to even do it. Even though I still don't quite understand the point of it all, I desperately want to be a part of this cool club. Even if it is just MC Hammer blabbing on about nothing and Lindsey Graham "ROFLing" to his "homies" in the middle of Congressional hearings (the less funny of those things, is in fact, a reality). If I'm not even as cool as those douchebags, then I don't deserve the internet. Someone pull the plug on me, I'm dead to the world.