Thursday, April 30, 2009

God bless (white, heterosexual, middle-to-upper class, Christian) America

Yesterday at the Martin's Corner Cafe, of which I am now night manager (wow, my life has so much direction and purpose!), we changed over from Coca-Cola to Pepsi products. It was a change heralded by the guys in charge of the Cafe, both of whom prefer Pepsi to Coke, but also by Pepsi's better offer to us than what Coke could make. So we changed, and now where there once was a giant, dripping red machine is a giant, dripping blue machine whose ice-dispenser has a mind of its own.

As you may already know, I prefer the flavor of Coke to Pepsi, along with their subsidiary products, from Barq's Root Beer (over Mug) and Sprite (over Sierra Mist). But it is a virtually insignificant preference (except for the root beer one--Mug has got to be one of the worst root beers on the face of the earth), so the change didn't really concern me at all. If anything, I was excited that there would be a change, just for change's sake.

But my excitement was not shared by all. It was first mentioned to me by a co-worker weeks ago when the announcement was made that we'd be moving over to Pepsi, and now again yesterday at work by a customer. "Don't you know about the boycott?" he asked. Before I could catch myself, I had to egg him on, just to see if he really was going where I thought he was. "No? What do you mean," I said. At this he sort of rolled his eyes exhaustedly. "They donate money to..." he began, then paused, trying to find the right word, "...alternative lifestyles."

"Oooh," I said, and went back to doing the dishes. He let it sit at that, but it fueled my co-worker who had mentioned the same boycott, charged to all God-fearing, family-loving Christians (God-fearing, family-loving Jews and Muslims not invited) by the American Family Association last month--though she'd used the decidedly stronger wording: "They're supporting the homosexual agenda." As they mumbled on about how the gays were most assuredly destroying marriage, the Constitution and our nation's fertile topsoil, I slinked down the bar and took out the trash, knowing I'd be unable to contain myself if I remained a moment longer.

So after work, I decided to do some research, even though I knew damn well what I'd find. What was this "homosexual agenda" that Pepsi was fueling? What were the queers up to this time? Were they building cannons out of baby skeletons to blow up the churches that stood in their way of soaking the Bill of Rights with the anmiotic fluid of a thousand aborted fetuses, then lighting it aflame while listening to Geore Michael's "Faith"? As interesting as that may have been, it turns out that the money Pepsi was donating to these decadent ass-bandits was being given directly to PFLAG (Parents, Friends and Family of Gays and Lesbians) and the Human Rights Campaign (you've probably seen their logo, the blue box with yellow equals sign, on the back of a lot of Priuses). And the programs PFLAG and the HRC were putting that money toward? Primarily, sexual orientation and diversity education workshops to encourage teamwork and tolerance in the workplace.

Holy hell, the gays are dragging us all down to hell with them.

Because, you see, if we tolerate them--let alone accept or appreciate them like we would any other human beings (well, except for the Mexicans)--we're all in for it, big time. Being anything less than virulently hateful toward these disgusting abominations of nature is a sin, don't you hear? We must hate them, lest we feel the fiery wrath of God lashing against our backs with every waking minute. But why waste my time sarcastically hyperbolizing when I can let the AFA do it for me--and without the irony!

"Pepsi gave a total of $1,000,000 to the Human Rights Campaign and Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays to promote the homosexual lifestyle in the workplace," reads their Official PepsiCo Boycott Website. "Pepsi requires employees to attend sexual orientation and gender diversity training where the employees are taught to accept homosexuality."

The outrage!

Are you kidding me? These sound like pretty good things to me! Accepting people for who they are where you work? Being able to put away your differences long enough to get your work done efficiently with them? No one is asking you to go home and eat pot roast with them (and then, naturally, get butt-raped by them)--this is just about workplace tolerance! This is about not sending nasty emails, or giving the new sales associate a swirly because he wore a paisley tie. It's about acting like adults! What a fucking concept! One that the AFA doesn't agree with, that's what. Not with their open call to stall H.R. 1913, the Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act, a proposition that was written to make participating in a hate crime an increased and specialized offense. This bill isn't about arresting you for calling someone a "fag"-- it has to do specifically with causing someone bodily harm, kidnapping or murdering them because of their actual or perceived sexuality, race, gender, or even religion. So what does the AFA have to say about that? "Don’t allow President Obama to remove America’s most basic freedoms!"

The right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of destructive, blind hatred. Hallelujah!

This is one of those times I'm so glad to be above this kind of shit. It doesn't even concern me because no one but a few thousand dickweed nutballs are mobilizing on a boycott of Pepsi products and H.R. 1913 passed through the House of Representatives with a 57% majority. Even at the extremely conservative, Mennonite-owned grocery store where I work, we didn't think twice about switching over to Pepsi. That makes me so happy. And it makes me even happier that people don't like it. Because, frankly, this is Ephrata. It's what it's always been, and I fear, what it will be for far too long. Which is why I need to get out of here. I'm surrounded by racism, stupidity and intolerance and I need to move back to Pittsburgh. Better yet, give me a few months in Seattle to completely detox, to let the city's hyper-liberal vibes just wash over me like a gentle tide. I just want to scream when old men make cracks about the Cafe serving barbecue chicken, asking each other in voices loud enough for most of the store to hear: "What, are we catering to the blacks now? What's next week, cornbread and watermelon?"


But these doddering pricks couldn't even handle it when we moved the coffee machine ten feet to the right, why would I think they could handle any other change? I mean, it's only been 50 or so years since we decided black people might be humans too--they're still in a transitional phase. I can't even imagine what they think of the "homosexual agenda." Oh wait, yes I can. I, for one, welcome the change. The equality. Not just tolerance, but the acceptance and appreciation that everyone deserves.

And as for Pepsi? I'm coming around on it. At least I can definitely support where they're putting my money. Their new logo is pretty sharp too.


  1. wow, I had no idea.
    great article. oh and congrats on your new position!

  2. i would stand up and applaud, really but that would be weird. This is pretty great stuff, being on the same side of the fence i can truly appreciate this blog entry. Seattle's nice, i would highly recommend it.