Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Jack in the Sucks

Mr. Jack in the Box, with your big white clown face and your pointy yellow hat, I don't know what your story is. I guess you're from California and haven't really migrated far enough east for me to have ever tried your burgers, so what you're doing with commercials on my local cable channels, I have no idea. I've always thought you were alright, for what little I knew of you. You don't really affect my life, but that series of commercials where Jack dies were kind of funny even though they meant nothing to me whatsoever. Never, however, have your commercials appetized me in any way, and even if they did--as I've already established--you have no locations around here, so it would just end up giving business to Five Guys or another burger joint within range.

But do you sell gyros? That's what I want to know. Can I show up and order a delicious gyro, with tender lamb and beef and shredded lettuce and tomatoes and creamy tzatziki sauce wrapped inside a thick, warm pita? Will you give it to me with cajun fries and coleslaw, with a Boston Creme donut for dessert? And at three in the morning. After I've been up all night playing Magic: The Gathering and hanging out in my friend's hot tub, I'm usually craving that kind of a meal, so if I make the trek at three in the morning to wherever my closest Jack in the Box location is, will you serve me my gyro, fries, coleslaw and donut? With a frosty mug of Hank's Premium Wishniak Black Cherry soda, one of my favorite black cherry sodas around? Could you do that for me? Would you?

Of course not! And I'd be silly to expect you to. I can hardly imagine that any of those items are on your menu, but even if they were, showing up in the middle of the fucking night surely isn't going to get me any of them, right? Obviously. You're closed--it's part of your whole thing, being open for some hours and closed for some others. That's the way in which you operate your business! If I showed up at closing time and demanded a bowl of chili topped with bean sprouts, you'd tell me to take a hike! So what the fuck is up with your stupid new commercial where you demand things from a fast food joint that doesn't do the things you want?

You pull up to the drive-thru of a McDonalds or something of that ilk, and demand breakfast all day, knowing full well that they only serve until 10:30am. When they inform you of what you already know, you force them to admit that Jack in the Box is the only place around who will serve breakfast all day, like a real man. Guess what, Jack in the Box? I don't care!

Just like I don't get pissy (and boy, does Jack get pissy) when you won't serve me a side of collard greens with my New York Strip steak, you shouldn't be allowed to get pissy when you can't have breakfast after you know damn well breakfast is over. It doesn't matter why it's over, it just is. That's the way in which they do business. I understand that you're just advertising the fact that you happen to have breakfast all day, but do it a little less snarky, eh? No one expects to have breakfast all day from a fast food joint. If they want that, they'll go to a diner, or to a Waffle House, or fry a goddamn egg at home.

Big fucking deal, you've got greaseball bacon sandwiches at 7pm. I'm ecstatic, and you know what? Fuck McDonalds for not having that. I'll never go there again. You've won my heart, Jack in the Box. You showed me what fast food can be. What it aspires to be. McDonalds is a failed dream with its 99.999% worldwide market saturation because it doesn't have hashbrowns at noon.

Fuck you, Jack in the Box. For being a dick for no reason, and for clogging up my television with pointless commercials from a thousand miles away. Also, your Qdoba franchise sucks ass compared to Chipotle, so suck on that too.


  1. that was like the best thing i've read all day.

  2. coming from an area that had quite a few jack in the box establishments..they do have pita sandwiches, but no to the other stuff. But i get your point, i'd still say they are better to the alternative though.