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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Pigs of the sea

Where's the last place on earth you'd expect to find cops? Go ahead, think it over for a minute, that's fine. Guess aloud even, sure.

Space? You honestly don't think you'd find cops in space? Have you ever read any science fiction? There's always cops in space. It's like their favorite place to be because it's all new and they can just make up rules just to fuck with you and then they tase you and throw you into a black hole for infinity when you don't listen to them. There's even a LEGO set about cops in space. "Space Police." I know because I had them, but I always made sure they lost against the space pirates or dragons or whatever the fuck. Plus, I said on earth, idiot. Space isn't on earth at all, it's all out there... in space.

Underground? Fuck that. There's tons of cops underground. That's where truffles grow, and you can get rent cops to go root them up and--wait, maybe that's pigs. Whatever, same difference. There's definitely cops underground, just waiting for you to think there aren't cops underground, and then they'll arrest you and sodomize you and throw you in jail. And then sodomize you again.

Just shut up, you had two guesses already and you couldn't figure it out when I already gave you the answer in the title here if you would have just taken two seconds to think it through. Water! There aren't cops in the water, right? Of course there's the Coast Guard but they're part of the army or something. And yeah, there's that movie about Bruce Willis as a cop on a boat in Pittsburgh, but none of that's what I'm even talking about. I'm talking about the beach. Cops don't go to the beach, especially not in the ocean with all the salt water and sand. If they even think about the ocean, their uniforms shrink up and strangle them and their guns jam up and get rusty and explode and blow off their giant cocks (or so they think they have), so they stay the fuck away from the ocean and the beach. Also, the beach is fun, which is something cops hate.

So there aren't any cops at the beach, right?

WRONG!

Because GUESS WHAT?? LIFEGUARDS are the PIGS of the SEA!

I was in Atlantic City this weekend, enjoying the waves and the sun (until it fried the shit out of my skin and I spent the next day throwing up uncontrollably) as I have not in quite a few years. And in all that time away from the beach, I forgot one thing. I FUCKING HATE LIFEGUARDS. They are always high and lazy and making out in their big lifeguard chairs with each other and all they always want is to RUIN MY FUN.

On the tiny strip of beach that we hung out on this weekend, maybe three hundred feet between two piers, there were no less than twelve lifeguards, and if you wandered beyond twenty radial feet of their chair, they started bloooowwin' the whistle like an Asian baby crying in a movie theatre.

"C'MON IN! IF YOU GET CAUGHT IN THAT RIPTIDE, YOU'RE WAY TOO FAR OUT AND WE'RE WAY TOO HIGH TO EVEN CONSIDER SAVING YOUR BUOYANT ASS. ALSO, YOU'RE WAY TOO GODDAMN FAR TO THE LEFT! WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY, BUT THE LEFT SEEMS BAD TODAY, SO STAY TO THE RIGHT. GET THE FUCK OVER HERE TO THE RIGHT OR YOUR ASS IS KICKED OUTTA THE OCEAN--YOU HEARD ME, KICKED OUT OF THIS ENTIRE FUCKING OCEAN, BUDDY! YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO TO CALIFORNIA JUST TO GET YOUR GODDAMN TOES WET!"

Only a lifeguard would never say something as clever as that. They just blow that fucking whistle and wave their arms and wear puka shell necklaces. Like their land-faring brethren, these pigs of the sea do indeed have a function. To save lives. There is a purpose for lifeguards to exist, and it is explicitly stated in their name. But, again like their terra-firma fucktwins, they are just general lazy assholes who apparently get off being dicks to everyone else and thinking they're hot shit.

So what to do? How do we make lifeguards understand that they're just like everyone else, only stupid and douchey, plus with blonde highlights in their hair and tribal tattoos? I for one am doing my part: "Lifeguard Killa," a collaboration with Ice T and Zack de la Rocha on my next album, dropping in September. In closing, a selection of lyrics from said single:

I got my swim trunks on.
I got my sunscreen on.
I got my snorkel on.
This shit's been too long.
My adrenaline's blastin'.
These waves are crashin'.
I'm 'bout to kill me somethin'.
Fool whistled me for nothin'!

Lifeguard killa! Better you than me!
Lifeguard killa! I just wanted to boogie!
Lifeguard killa! I know your momma's grievin'!
Lifeguard killa! But tonight we get even! Yeah!

Fuck the sea pigs!
Fuck the sea pigs!
Fuck the sea pigs!
Fuck the sea pigs!
Yeah!

1 comment:

  1. you know this post was nothing short of brilliant. I just came up with a great screenplay idea from it, i think i might actually write it too..i'll tell you about it the next time we talk on aim.

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