Thursday, July 16, 2009

The right to arm beers

If you're reading this, there's a good chance you already saw tonight's Colbert Report and I don't really need to do news reporting on the subject, but sometimes (most times), something shocks me so horrendously that it makes me climb out of bed in the middle of the night, open up my laptop and get on here to spit some fire.

Tonight, it was a story that Stephen Colbert was covering--a follow-up to a story he first reported on a year ago when little known Tennessee State Senator Doug Jackson proposed a bill to allow the concealed carrying of firearms in bars and other establishments that sell alcohol. But why the follow up? Surely such a ridiculous and, frankly, dangerous bill was dead in the water before it even hit the Senate floor. It could never ever have even gotten close to making it in--WHAT? IT PASSED??

Yes! You proud gun owners of Tennessee (and also Arizona, as it turns out), feel free to lock 'n' load before you start knockin' back the brews, because it is now COMPLETELY LEGAL TO CARRY A LOADED WEAPON IN A BAR. In a bill sponsored by (among enough others to override a veto) the NRA and Democratic Senator Doug Jackson--oooooh yes, you read that right: staunch pro-life, pro-business, gun advocate Democratic State Senator Jackson--the Tennessee Senate has now officially made their state the most INSANE AND DANGEROUS PLACE YOU CAN POSSIBLY LIVE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

And I'm just fine with that.

Because good luck finding my ass in Tennessee, ever. This law does not apply to me. At first, I was so angry that I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Who could this man possibly be working for, short of Satan himself, that he could ever dream that drunken assholes should be allowed firearms out in a place of public communion? As much gun violence as we already have in the U.S. (hint: leaps and bounds more per capita than any other non-drug cartel-related country in the world) the last thing you'd think you would want to do is give legal right to hammered rednecks to flash their piece at the ol' Coyote Ugly. Of course, that's exactly what the NRA is here to do. They've got to protect our inalienable right to heft around hand-cannons at all times, just in case we see some terrorism going down! That's what the Second Amendment is all about! So in their virulent fight against terror, they certainly supported H.R. 2159: The Denying Firearms and Explosives to Dangerous Terrorists Act of 2009... right?

I'm getting tired of being shocked and appalled.

Really though, I'm happy for them! Congratulations, Tennessee! You got what you apparently wanted, and I'm sure I'll get plenty of what I want out of this too: a big ol' boatload of dead, dumb hicks. Perhaps Jackson really is a secret liberal just yearning to break out of his paleoconservative shell--he obviously supports Darwinism. Let's thin out that herd, what do you say?

But is this really what they wanted? Restaurant owners across the state have fought this bill tooth and nail, knowing full well what is in store. "We are going to ban any person from entering into the venue if they have a firearm in their possession," said Drew Mischke, owner of the Mercy Lounge in Nashville. "We have the right to refuse service to anyone as any business does, and it is our policy that while it is not illegal to carry a weapon into a place that serves alcohol, as the business we can choose whom we do and do not want in our establishment. And we will not allow someone in the establishment if they have a weapon on them." Good luck with that one, Drew. I hope your bouncers have bulletproof vests, because that's one argument that is going to start at the door and end in the obits.

So let me offer my condolences in advance, to the families all of the rowdy biker dudes, the waitresses having shitty days, the asshole bartenders with snarky comebacks, the drunken frat guys who were hitting on the wrong bleach-blonde, toothless, Waffle House waitress, the cops who come to break the whole thing up, and of course, all of the many innocent bystanders. I truly am sorry that your children will grow up parentless, your spouses will be widowed, and your dogs will be forever on your front porch, waiting in earnest for you to come home. But you can't say we didn't warn you. It's either time to get the hell out of your crazy alternate-reality state, or to buy a bigger, better gun than anyone you know and make sure you can empty your clip first. If all goes well, maybe you'll have a few less electoral votes come 2012. Let's pass these laws in a few more red states and maybe we can really clean house next election!

Wait... OH MY GOD! THAT'S EXACTLY IT! SENATOR JACKSON, YOU ARE A GENIUS! I should have guessed all along! What a plan! And all the while convincing them that you too are a psychotic right-wing wack-job that cares about a completely antiquated "right" that they hold so dear to their hearts! YOU DESERVE SOME KIND OF AWARD!

Give this man a beer! And a shotgun.

1 comment:

  1. so since my im got hacked i had to get a new one...so what's your aim again?