Let's say your neighbor has really been getting on your nerves. This isn't just letting his leaves fall on your lawn; see, there's a lot of homeless people in town and on the weekends he's been having a little soup kitchen-style picnic in his backyard. Not only that, but he's been knocking on doors up and down your street for the last few weeks to try to collect money for the local hardware store that's going out of business because a Home Depot just built a superstore on the other side of town. I mean, this is just one pain-in-the-ass kind of guy, just a bad dude.
So what do you do? There's only one sensible option: you buy a pack of wild attack dogs and you let them loose in his yard. They'll kill and eat him and shit all over his lawn and then, finally, you might get some piece and quiet. That is, until the dogs get hungry again and head back through the hedge to your place and murder your entire family to feed their ravenous hunger. Wait, you didn't see that coming? You didn't have the foresight to realize that a pack of untrained, rabid attack dogs might turn on you once you let them loose? Welcome to the Republican Party.
When Glenn Beck, Dick Armey, and Michael Steele worked their packs into a frenzy in each their own deliciously devious way ("populist" rhetoric and tear-shedding, an internet-based astroturfing campaign, and the seat at the head of the elephant's table itself), it seems like they didn't bother buying leashes. Now, the infamous Teabaggers have turned on their own with the same furious bark and bite that used on Democratic Senator's town-hall meetings in August.
Their target? Republican Senator from South Carolina, Lindsey Graham. Yes, these bastions of conservatism have disowned the only man in America conservative enough to fill Strom Thurmond's seat in Congress. But why should I ruin all the fun. Watch it yourself, from this clip courtesy of MSNBC's Countdown with Keith Olbermann:
A deal with the devil! A liar! When's he going to just own up and switch parties? Oh that Lindsey Graham, with his A rating from the NRA and his iron fist on gay marriage--he's a turncoat if I ever saw one. Not only him, but Senator Olympia Snowe (R-Maine) as well! Those bastards and their attempts to have civil discourse with... Democrats. It's almost like they're trying to get something done.
So now what is the Republican Party to do? They bought these dogs, they injected them full of steroids and gave them the taste of blood, but now they've begun to turn on their makers. Frankenstein's monster. The Party is fracturing before our very eyes, and oh in what a glorious display. The rift is growing right in the middle of it (okay... maybe it's a little waaayyy further right), and I can't even guess what will happen next. I really can't. I've posited theories in the past about the party throwing up someone like Bobby Jindal in 2012 in an attempt to appear more moderate and level-headed, but at this point, their own party would revolt. You can't just put these mutts down.
The only other way to go is to either get ahold of Ron Paul and apologize to him profusely (since these Teabaggers all think they're Libertarians and Constitutionalists), or just own up and get whomever is currently Grand Wizard of the KKK right now, (since these Teabaggers all are racists and homophobes). The Dixiecrats were a party once, after all, and their slogan was--and I'm totally not kidding--"Segregation Forever!". They even won four states in the 1948 Presidential election, running, of all people... oh, you don't know? Not Dewey, that was the Republicans. Who else lost to Harry S. Truman that year?
Strom Thurmond, of course.
Boy, the GOP had best be setting up one of those invisible fences right now, because this is going to get ugly.