Thursday, January 14, 2010

Why do horrible things happen to good people?

In an effort to waste no time whatsoever in becoming the most insensitive fucking person in the world about the massive earthquake that leveled much of the Haitian capital of Port-au-Prince, infamous hate-mongering televangelist, Pat Robertson, has spoken up. Who is to blame for this horrible tragedy? Well, the Haitian people, of course. But not because they're harboring homosexuals (they're not) or because they are filthy heathens (they're Catholic, close enough), two things that Pat has been quite outspoken about his God's distaste for in the past. No, you see, to understand the reason God is punishing the tiny island nation of Haiti, you have to have a bit of a history lesson. Stick with me here, I promise it pays off.

The island of Hispanola, the narrow landmass that makes up Haiti and the Dominican Republic was once populated by the Arawak Indians, a culture probably most famous for being enslaved by famed world explorer, Christopher Columbus in the late 1400s. In the centuries that followed, the island became a stopping place in the international slave trade and was eventually divided into the basic regions that we see today, amongst the French (Haiti) and Spanish (Dominican Republic) military forces that occupied it. However, there were still some indigenous Haitians hanging around (how troublesome!) and in late 1700s, they started to revolt against the French for independence. The fighting would not cease for over a century, and the French military, led under the control of Napoleon Bonaparte, and on the ground by his brother-in-law, General Charles Leclerc, eventually fell to the rebel forces of the slave rebellion.

A pretty amazing story, not? A handful of slaves revolt against one of the most powerful militaries in the world and come out with the upper hand, emancipation, and liberation. Really a story of hope, that the downtrodden can fight back their oppressors and find freedom and liberty of their own. Inspirational, really. How could have such a rebellion succeeded? It's almost like they'd have needed a divine hand to assist them.

Well, I don't believe that, because hate and vitriol and fighting for one's life can do quite a bit for your morale--but Robertson certainly does believe it. But not how you'd expect. See, the Haitians got a divine bit of help... FROM THE DEVIL! That's right! They made a pact with the Devil, and that is how they defeated tens of thousands of French slave-traders and military men! And that, of course, is why now, three hundred years later, God decided he was pretty sick of the nation of Haiti just being poverty-stricken, illiterate, and constantly harassed by missionaries--it was time to take it up a notch and toss them a big ol' earthquake to show them he really means it. It's not God's style to just forget all about a Satanic pact to defeat the French and gain political and civil independence. Not Robertson's God anyway.

But why listen to me, a silver-tongued liberal who is twisting around the words of such a good man to make him sound horrible? Let's let Robertson do his own talking:

"True story." I couldn't have said it better, Pat. Thank you for answering my question, of why such terrible things could happen to a country of people who already are living in absolute squalor. I'm glad your God has a plan and that he sticks to it. It's an admirable trait. But I have one other question to pose to you, Reverend Robertson. Or maybe it's more of a request: Why can't horrible fucking things happen to you?


  1. nice work.
    Robertson is a tool...but i'm sure you knew that already.

  2. Ugh. I heard John Green (author of Looking for Alaska)mention this on his blog, but I like the way you accurately detailed his...'thinking'.